I hope I made you smile; That’s all I live for.

I hope I made you smile; That’s all I live for.

Last night I told the woman in the moon about you. It was around 2:30am when the world was asleep and she was around when you weren’t, I related, waxed on and on about your smile and laughter and how you enjoy kicking me when I’m down. Her moonbeams wiped the tears from my cheeks, made me feel more warmth than you’ve given in months. Her light kissed the scars you left. Said they made me beautiful. Her touch traced my skin and I arched into it, relishing the kindness she showed. For those few hours I floated in the sky and the stories I spun shone brighter than any competing star. I have always had a talent for tripping over my words but she made them soar. And when dawn came to chase her away, it was the first time I knew a lady wasn’t running because of me. I hope she’ll be back tonight. Maybe I need to give you the background story of this dream that I had last night, 30 years old, reflecting on what led to the life I am leading now;

 

She was my absolute best friend and soulmate. We were still in college and from the way things were going on, I was cock sure that she was the one.I proudly introduced her to my friends as mine and she did the same. We were so alike it scared me, but we still went for it, even though I knew I wasn’t ready for a connection this intense. Due to some past trauma, I have serious commitment issues. She did too. We however learnt how we both loved to read Rupi Kaur’s poetry and believed in growth among souls that were healing together. We both danced with the idea of love, but we would let go the instant we felt it too much. Games. It was all games, and the worst part was I thought I was winning. I won nothing. There was no game (I recently learnt how love is a game and it’s a game where the winner gets no reward). Just toxic actions we both engaged with the hope that the other wouldn’t feel too loved. We both put up walls. I chose my masculinity, She chose her pride. She kept pushing me away to see me come back. In my mind, I thought she knew that she was pushing me away because she was scared to continue loving me. I thought she knew I didn’t want her to leave. I thought she knew I wanted her to say she wasn’t going anywhere without me. I thought she was me, I thought she knew me. She wasn’t. She didn’t. And she left. It’s been a year and I have not been able to move past what we once had. She did, she has a new boyfriend. She’s probably emotionally stable. As for me, I no longer believe in me neither do I believe in love anymore.

 

I went grocery shopping recently and met her. She is expecting a son. We sat in a cafe for six hours, it’s still weird how six hours together seems like three  minutes. We talked about everything, we both confessed how we had the best time of our lives together. Palpably, she wasn’t happy with her new relationship. We both burst into tears on how stupid we were to exchange our love for our selfish desires.

I am outside her gate, waiting for her to wake up, hoping the boyfriend isn’t home tonight, I want to ask her back. I will take care of her son…

TBC..